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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Finding Peace

Yesterday when I got the news from Tom that I had got the reporting job in La Crete, I went through an array of emotions. Fear, excitement, sadness, fatigue, and … peace.

My first reaction was Fear.

I thought of everything I would be missing by going to Alberta. Mom, Dad, my brothers. I’d be missing moving to the UK with my boyfriend, Chris. I’d be missing Dad’s and Dylan’s birthdays in the fall. I’d miss all the family events that come with summer: cottaging with Uncle Matt, Aunt Debbie and Aunt Barbie, Havelock Jamboree with Diane and Danica, my road trip to Nashville with Kelsey. Most importantly, I’d be missing the time I spend with my friends and family bored on a Monday night, or Thursday afternoon. Having a hot tub with mom, gineritas in hand, and playing cards with dad when he gets home from his afternoon shift, until the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention, would they like me in La Crete?

My second reaction was Excitement.

I thought of all the wonderful people I met at Cedarbough when I went to rangers in Sioux Lookout, and the same when I went back two years later to Quetico. I thought of the amazing, eye-opening experiences I participated in while at Stowel Lake Farm, on Salt Spring Island, BC. And I knew I would find this happiness and joy in La Crete. I would be exposed to the Mennonite faith and a new way of being, another extraordinary part of our lovely country and I would get priceless hands on experience in my field and passion: journalism. After this experience, I would be a reporter, through and through. No more mail rooms, no more convenience stores, just writing. Interview, write, edit, report.

My third reaction was Sadness.

At this point, I had told a few of my closest friends and family, my parents, and my boyfriend. They were congratulating me telling me how proud they were of me – that’s the kicker: one “I’m proud of you” and on comes the waterworks. It really showed me who was most important to me and, whom I was important to. And it really made me realize how much I’m going to miss seeing these people all the time. I cried with mom o msn for a while, as I was not at home and near her, and then with my boyfriend later that night. I understand it’s okay to be sad, and healthy to feel this anxiety. But this is something I have to do. And if I didn’t feel sad then it would be because deep inside I knew I would back out. Sadness makes this real.

My fourth reaction was Fatigue.

After such an emotional rollercoaster, my cheeks were left salty from tears and my eyes swollen and red, but my head was still spinning inside me. I was exhausted from trying to prove to everybody that I was making the right decision. (Luckily, the only once that needed convincing were the ones that don’t know me very well and the ones that are closest and love me most did not need any convincing. Instead, they simply took my hand – physically and emotionally for those communicating via online -- and let me rest in silence.) I had be thinking and making lists in my head all day: things I will need to buy before I leave, people to see, things to do in preparing my car for the trip, where I could stay along the way, where will I live? How do I pack for Alberta – for a year or for a lifetime? So by the time I climbed in my car at 5:00pm to go to my boyfriend’s uncle’s birthday party in Etobicoke, Ontario, I just wanted to close my eyes and be me. No more lists, no more talk about moving, just breathe. It has only been 4 and a half hours since I’d got the news, but it felt like a week of sleepless days. I was growing up too fast and it was exhausting.

Finally I felt Peace.

I was at peace with my decision, my family, my friends, and my very supportive boyfriend, Chris. I knew the decision I was making was the right one, and I needed to believe in myself. I can do this, and I will be the best reporter that town has ever seen! What the future holds, I’m not sure. But what the present is giving me, is peace.

Prepare yourselves, citizens of La Crete. Come July when I arrive, you won’t know what hit you!

1 comment:

  1. Wow, after reading your blog Ash, I know you will be hugely successful. You were able to make your reader go through all of those emotions with you. (Maybe it's because I AM going through them all too!) I don't think Dylan is going to go with you, so if chris doesn't drive with you, maybe me or your dad can because he has the first 2 weeks of July off.